Forgiveness vs Retaliation. How letting go breaks the cycle of hurt

This weekend, I witnessed something that stayed with me.

I spoke with a woman who carried a lot of pain. You could feel it immediately. Not because she was loud, but because in the way she spoke about a topic, you could feel a deeper layer of hurt underneath.

At some point, she began speaking about men. But it quickly became clear that it wasn’t really about men. It was about something that had happened to her. Something that had left a deep wound.

Over time, that wound had turned into anger, then resentment, and eventually into hatred. Not toward one person, but toward many.

Listening to her, I realized how easily pain can expand like that. What starts as a specific experience slowly becomes a worldview. One hurt becomes a lens through which we see everything.

And I could feel how easy it would be to fall into that myself.

When we are hurt, retaliation can feel like protection. Forgiveness, on the other hand, requires openness again. And openness can feel risky. I know that feeling of wanting to protect myself by closing off.

Somewhere along that process, there is a quiet but decisive moment. After pain, we face a choice.

After emotional pain, we choose how to respond

After pain, we can move toward retaliation, or we can move toward forgiveness.

This is not about avoiding the hurt. The pain is real. The anger can be valid. The experience deserves to be acknowledged. Forgiveness does not skip this part. It comes after we have allowed ourselves to feel what is there.

At some point, a question arises. Do I want to keep carrying this, or am I ready to release it?

I have noticed how long I can carry something before I even realize that I have a choice.

Retaliation keeps us connected to the wound. We replay the story, hold onto the anger, and gradually harden. The hurt begins to shape how we see others and how we move through the world.

Forgiveness loosens that grip. Not immediately and not perfectly, but gradually. It is the moment pain stops deciding who we become.

What forgiveness really means

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It does not mean what happened was okay. It does not mean forgetting. It does not mean staying in harmful situations. And it does not remove accountability.

Forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from carrying the wound forward.

When we hold onto resentment, we keep revisiting the moment. The past continues to shape the present, sometimes in very subtle ways we don’t immediately see.

In that sense, forgiveness is less something we do for the other person. It is something we do for ourselves. It is the decision to stop carrying the emotional weight.

Forgiveness and justice: why they are not the same

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as the absence of justice. In reality, they operate on different levels.

There is a difference between external and internal justice.

External justice is about systems. It includes accountability, boundaries, and protection. It helps prevent further harm and creates safety. In situations where harm is ongoing, this kind of justice matters. Sometimes it needs to come first.

Internal justice is different. It is the part of us that wants things to feel resolved, understood, and made right. It asks questions like whether something was fair or whether it should have happened at all. I recognize that part in myself as well.

The challenge is that life rarely resolves this cleanly. We may not receive an apology. We may not see full accountability. And often, we cannot clearly trace where the hurt began.

If we follow the question of who was hurt first, we often enter a long chain that reaches back through people, families, and generations. Pain moves. It gets passed on. And at some point, I find myself wondering where it would even end.

This is why waiting for complete justice before allowing forgiveness can keep us stuck in the cycle.

At the same time, forgiveness becomes more accessible when safety is present. When harm is ongoing, the first step is not forgiveness, but protection. External justice and boundaries help create the conditions where something can begin to soften internally.

So the more useful question is not whether justice or forgiveness comes first in every situation, but what is needed right now. This question has helped me more than trying to find a perfect answer.

Sometimes it is protection. Sometimes it is distance. Sometimes it is clarity. And sometimes, when safety is present, it becomes possible to release what we carry.

You can seek justice and still choose not to carry hatred. You can set boundaries and still refuse to continue the cycle of hurt.

It is about releasing what you carry inside.

It is the moment you stop letting pain decide who you become.

And from there, something begins to shift. Not outside first, but inside.

How cycles of hurt are created

What happens within one person also happens between people.

Hurt leads to retaliation. Retaliation creates new hurt. And the cycle continues.

We see it in relationships, in families, in communities, and in larger systems. One wound leads to another, often without anyone consciously choosing it.

At some point, someone has to decide not to pass the pain forward.

Forgiveness is that decision.

It is the moment someone quietly says that this stops with me.

The forgiveness process

In The Book of Forgiving, forgiveness is described as a process rather than a single act.

The first step is telling the story. This means acknowledging what happened honestly, without minimizing it.

The second step is naming the hurt. This is where we allow ourselves to feel the emotions that came with the experience.

The third step is granting forgiveness. This is the inner shift where we begin to release what we have been holding.

The fourth step is renewing or releasing the relationship. Sometimes forgiveness leads to rebuilding trust. Other times it leads to letting go.

A forgiveness practice from Hawaiian culture

In Hawaiian culture, forgiveness is seen as a way to restore inner and relational harmony. One well-known practice is Hoʻoponopono, which translates to bringing things back into balance.

Traditionally, it was used within families and communities to resolve conflict and restore peace.

The practice is built around four simple phrases: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

These words are not about blame. They are about softening. They can be repeated inwardly toward a person, toward yourself, or toward a situation.

Sometimes forgiveness begins with softening. And from that softening, something slowly shifts.

Breaking the cycle

What stayed with me most after that conversation was how easily pain can become identity if we don’t consciously work with it. We begin to define ourselves through what hurt us. We become more guarded, more reactive, less open.

Forgiveness does not erase the past, but it changes how much space the past takes up in our present. It allows us to remember without reliving, to understand without hardening, and to move forward without carrying the weight.

Sometimes forgiveness is simply recognizing the fork in the path and choosing not to continue the cycle. And I notice that this choice does not always feel big. Sometimes it is very quiet. But it changes everything.

This ends with me.

If you feel called to go a little deeper, I created a guided forgiveness meditation to support this process.

It gently guides you into a relaxed state where you can begin to release emotional weight and transform how past experiences live within you.

You can listen to it here

Free Meditation